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[Fri, June 13th, 2008 @ 1:14pm] |
Why am I on Live Journal? Oh, I don't know. I'm just going to every site I couldn't before, trying to celebrate the fact that I think that I finally eradicated my dumbass computer from viruses >:O :) Uhh... so? Hm... oh don't I usually write my goals on here? I think so... so my goals... erm... 1.) do something nice/independent... not at all out of NHS spite. :) 2.) Keep this relaxed/liberated feeling I have for the maximum amount of time. 3.) Stay unattached.
4.) Keep up writing stuff.
:)
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[Tue, January 1st, 2008 @ 11:58am] |
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mood |
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Hm... Wednesday at 8 15 I get my license, assuming I pass :D. This year I am going to try to be more financially independent, from my mom anyway. I'm ready to go back to school, with the exception of physics. I can't wait to read new books and learn new philosophies. Learn new ways to integrate functions. I'm pretty sure I can pass the AP CALC and LIT exams, since I'm in DE English too and we're doing poetry for the next semester. I know I can pass the physics exam if I work at it, but this break I've had the time and absolutely no motivation. I feel like I can't ever get ahead. I can't think of hardly any times where I've asked a question and then been enlightened, or atleast answered to where I have more of a grasp. And I don't know why my brain can't pick up such seemingly easy concepts. Relatively easy. So I need to find some system for physics to not be throw-a-book-at-Davenport frustrated.
For new years I hung out with my grandma and sister, Bree 8). We made fudge that i fudged up :( but still tasted okay. I like Breanna. She's not very self-centered, which I like. She's very observant and interesting.
Ah I can't wait to driveeeeeeeeeeeeee
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[Sat, December 1st, 2007 @ 12:16am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I don't think there's such a thing as truth. I think everyone creates truth. It's not a belief, with spiritual ties... but the way of the world. Can anyone argue that? With concrete? So we all make something up, eh? Why was the world portrayed with so much meaning to me as a child. No one likes to think about it so everyone indulges in habit to pacify their minds. We love to be stupid! I love to be stupid. It's ingrained in me too! I didn't escape my environment. I never realized how much more intelligent and independent I have became after becoming basically agnostic. I don't know how anyone could see what I see, synthesize what I learn and still keep some type of religion. This isn't the most... organized or significant thing I have written... but I thought I'd update myself, reading back on it years later. Maybe I'll embark on some other "philosophies." I love how infinite the mind is.
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[Mon, November 19th, 2007 @ 6:34pm] |
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mood |
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I hate it over here. My step siblings have to be the most delusional people I've ever met. Maybe not ever met... but ever been forced to see for an extended period of time. They're both so fucking self-indulgent it's nauseating. We had to do family pictures shit and it was so ironic. All they did was bitch and moan when we're suppose to appear beautiful and aesthetic. Everyone doted on small details. "Breanna might get dirty." So what, why would you want to portray a 7 year old as clean in a picture. Jesus Christ. Breanna's so fucking creative and intelligent and here this mediocre-minded bitch is supressing her. *Spazzes* Then there was gnats and then they didn't want to step over the sea wall. Nobody could appreciate anything there. The sunset was gorgeous and the grass and rocks looked beautiful. I hate them so much. Right now all I can hear is Katie's stupid fake laugh in "our" room. What a fucking joke. Whenever I'm here I feel like grandma visiting from New York, who inconveniences everyone for a while. I have no fucking where to go. My mom is impossible. Bleh. Sorry.
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[Sat, November 3rd, 2007 @ 11:19pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Ah... I think I'm going to take a different approach to leadership. I can't force anyone to do anything. Bitching and moaning is a bit futile. I think I will take on a less hands on approach and go wtih the "lead by example" route. I'll improve myself and probably be more respected if I go this route.
It's going okay at my dad's. My little sister (Katie, the one that's 15) is really reallllly annoying to share a room with. She stays up late talking on the phone so loudly about absolutely nothing. It's still not as bad as my mom's house. I guess I can just go to Bree's room (other sister, 7, amusing) and sleep. She's getting a new mattress :)
If all goes well I get my license Wednesday. *Puts on list* I must practice my three-point turn. The problem of being really isolated will be solved. I pretty much have free roam over here. My dad trusts me (rightfully, of course.) I think he feels really bad about leaving me all these years. Well, I know he does. Whatever. I finally have money too.
Our percussion section I think has grown a lot this season. In the way we rehearse, attendence. I mean we have our faults but a lot less bullshit. Next year it should be me and diana on tenor (if i dont cave... damnet those things hurt my back) snare: ian, jeff, matt bass: josh, jem, rudy, sam (new freshman), nathan (andrew's brother). pit is tentative. (laura and christie want to be dm's.) Idk... I hope my standards just haven't been lowered.
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[Wed, October 17th, 2007 @ 8:47pm] |
Hm. I was at my grandma's house looking through my deceased grandpa's genealogy information. it's really interesting. I found this from someone in my family ("Thomas West"'s) will from 1856 in South Carolina
"I will and bequeath to my daughter Christina Smith One Negro wench Named Lucinda..."
many more slaves were given away, lol.
and I found apparently a newspaper article:
"A band of Tory raiders had got wind of West's presence (an ancestor of mine) in the vicinity. They had ridden into the yard and had tried to extort from him information which West refused to give. In consequence of his resistance, they shot him and then scalped him... the Tories proceeded to tie a rope about West's body, and mounting their hourses, drag him to a point about three miles distance where they now hanged him to a tree." He apparently "succombed to the torture of his tormenters." This is somewhere in PA.
o_0 i want to continue but i'm not sure how.
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[Fri, October 12th, 2007 @ 11:32pm] |
I have the urge to cling to my LJ after Sal quit. :( Bleh. I was really depressed about the situation. I get it. He's not really feeling it anymore and has a lot of responsibilities with a new kid and wrestling. Idk, he was the last part of how things used to be. Okay... well to play the devil's (or would it be God's o_0) advocate... I am being really golden agey. I guess now and then has its pluses and minuses. But I feel like us as a whole in pit never have those lovely moments where we can all look back and think "Wow... fun." It was funny when me and Christie put my shoe in Brendon's marimba. But I mean it was still depressing not really having anyone to talk to... as more than an acquaintance (sp?). I guess it wasn't all that great. Atleast we have Steve. :D.
I'm not busy right now. It's nice.
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[Tue, October 9th, 2007 @ 9:46pm] |
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mood |
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I feel like I have changed so much in the past 6 months (which is good.) I find myself having more understanding of my life. I blame feminism and rationalism. I'm not trying to sound preachy, I guess I'm just saying things I've learned. First, I don't let my emotions govern me. Or atleast I try not to. I rarely cry when in reality my life circumstances really haven't changed. I still take hard classes, have little time, and am constantly confronted with the burden of my parents. And I sit down and think more. I'm like Hamlet... I don't do, I think. I think about why I do things. Mainly my point of view on school (now I take a more I <3 learning route) and inner and external conflicts. If you just sit down and think (and grow with your thoughts), as cliche it sounds, you can solve a lot of your problems. I don't know. I'm really unhappy with life circumstances I can't control but happier inside, if that makes sense?
I was going to go on. But I don't have time.
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[Sat, July 21st, 2007 @ 3:57pm] |
well. has anyone mastered not thinking about the future and enjoying the moment? it's a nice idea... but sometimes I feel like it's impossible.
Lala I've been doing a puzzle, which I love. And I have been eating less and exercising more so there goes my weightloss thing but I think some epic force started to blow up my uterus so there goes the flat stomach *shrugs.* it should go down in a week. ;). As for reading, I have three books left. Beowulf (short, easy), Wuthering Heights (long, love story), Gulliver's Travels (kinda long, man book :P.)
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[Tue, June 5th, 2007 @ 11:26pm] |
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eh i still ironically feel more comfortable on my blog on myspace.
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[Thu, May 24th, 2007 @ 4:46pm] |
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mood |
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i can't wait until summer. im happy with most of my life... which is good enough for me. im so happy im going to be gone in two years. and i finally figured out what im taking next year. ap lit, ap calc, us history hon., band, phcc, and the last im not sure. all part of my plan of personal fulfillment. woo im finally ranked 4th in the class (but that'll probably change with the semester grades being in.)
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[Mon, May 21st, 2007 @ 8:18pm] |
hm i think im done cheating on my lj. today was alright. hm... im really enjoying justin :). i think we do really well together. he treats me really well, not in a charasmatic way but a genuine way, he listens to me, and has intelligent convesrsations with me :D:D:D. idk i hope it's not infatuation... i'll try not to be ignorant.
but onward.... summer... hmm... coool. school is dragging on. it'll be over soon. i won't be completely off the hook but i enjoy learning in the summer on my own time. i really want to go somewhere. and see the not so flat land of florida. not that florida's bad. but anyways...
ap test... well i belabored that.
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[Sun, May 20th, 2007 @ 6:53pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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my dad's such a bastard. i hate my parents. id of done significantly better if they let me go after my 5th birthday. id probably be less messed up than i already am. there's no emotional stability in my home life. i don't know how the fuck i function. my mom goes off on me because of personal self-esteem issues. even my grandma can vouch for me. and my dad knows how she is. he was married to her for 10 years. and he knows how mentally and emotionally draining she is. so i call him up and ask to go over there and he says yeah if you have a ride. because he's in the middle of some fucking party and "can't" pick me up. FUCK YOU. he couldn't pick me up because he has to drink beer with his new crooked family and friends while i sit here and rot. fucking jerk. i hate him almost more than i hate my mom. i just want to fucking leave. but there's nowhere to fucking go.
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[Sun, March 25th, 2007 @ 3:37pm] |
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I've been writing in my myspace blog... I don't know... journals are like relationships. It's hard to be in two. And I prefer myspace for some reason... privacy issues. I know right... about 10 people can read this one and 496 can read the other. *Shrug* idk... everyone on here is older than me. And I sometimes have trouble reading people older than me... so I guess I seem to have control issues. Bah... part of the gifted thing. So if you care to know the happenings of my life... subscribe to it or just wait til I'm done cheating on LJ.
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[Sun, January 7th, 2007 @ 12:10pm] |
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mood |
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good |
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I'm finally going to the mall. I'm excited to pick out and force my cousin to buy stuff... I guess in the family I take on a dominating role since I'm 6 months older. So I guess it proves to myself that I shop because shopping is fun, not because I'm greedy :D. I can't wait to have kids to dress :D.
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[Fri, January 5th, 2007 @ 5:48pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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Spending time with my dad is always deeply disappointing. Heh, it took him 10 years to get me my own bed. I don't know. I always get mad at myself because it seems like I am being materialistic, but to me that seems to be that money is the only way to show love (well besides obvious things like cards, flowers, being there.) I don't know. I just feel like an afterthought to my Dad.
It just annoys me. My least favorite color is purple and that's the color he painted mine and Katie's room. He let Sue handle Christmas so I ended up with sheets. I mean I got a new phone and I was thankful and all but Katie got a much nicer one and a buncha clothes. It's not that I need for clothes (or a phone), it was just the thought (or lack thereof) that counted. I don't know, you think while building his "dream home" he'd make a room for his eldest daughter. Sometimes I feel like he regrets having me because he regrets the marriage with my mom. I don't know, atleast he's there and all. FSU here I come ;).
I think next Christmas I am going to do something for charity with all my gifts. Maybe give it to UNICEF. I watched a thing on MTV where they built something all the kids were excited about this toilet. Or maybe I'll donate money to SEDNET. This lady that was my church teacher was one of the sweetest hearted people I've met. She is building a place for kids that are abused so they feel comfortable when they are evicted from their homes and aren't tossed around. Maybe I could buy them stuff. That idea excites me.
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[Thu, December 28th, 2006 @ 11:03am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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Money is the root of all evil.
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[Mon, December 25th, 2006 @ 5:47pm] |
Well Merry Christmas. :). Agh I kinda feel bad :x. My aunt got me a 50$ giftcard for itunes. And not much I want to buy, I hardly download music as it is. So I am selling it on e-bay. In my mind I feel it is right; if i gave a giftcard to someone and there was no use, I'd rather them kind of quietly find some other use for it. But in my heart I feel guilty. But I honostly don't believe I should feel bad. Last year I brought back a lot of stuff from Aero and didn't have one qualm... but idk, I kind of had a bratty attitude that year. I deserved to feel slided (long story) but not be so open about it. I don't know! I always seem to have conflict with wearing things on my sleeve.
Idk, I feel like I didn't give enough. Again, this mind-heart conflict. I spent soo much moola on everyone but I feel like I should give back.
Gah I should quit my yackin and feel good. :P.
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